Dear Diary of reflection
by Box-of-wolves
Summary: Miley is going through a period of depression, in a attempt to mentally sort her feelings out she begins to write a diary of reflection on her life.
1. Chapter 1

Dear diary 

Entery one

Have you ever fallen in love?

Have you ever been filled with a sweet rush of happiness as the grey days of loneliness are replaced by soft cherry clouded ones?

Have you ever been reborn into a new stage of life that truly surpasses all other areas of you existence?

I have.

I was once alone; almost completely alone. I didn't really complain or appear unhappy; if anyone asked I would simply declare that I didn't mind being alone, they would smile in responses saying they understood: I was just that sort of person that preferred to be alone. The thing is I now realise how naive I was being: I've always felt alone. Grey describes my life, sketchy cold grey. I mean don't get me wrong I wont be as ungrateful to say my whole childhood was a pathetic waste, I just don't regret leaving it in the past. I was always several paces behind the rest of the kids in school as it is, why would I miss my most ignorant section of existence? I was just slow, I don't blame myself for having to catch up with the others, it's not my fault really but that still doesn't mean I should have had the time of my life. I mean who really thinks school is the best time of their life? Parents always say that and what's even more perverse is that I found myself feeling the same day I left both my schools. I thought of all the good times courageously ignoring the bad, then a few moments later puzzling how I could ever come up with such fucked up thoughts. I mean the school was a nice enough place but for me it was a horribly lonely experience.

Now I'm blabbering and I've lost the original point I was going to make, I'll stop now before I bore You, my imaginary reader, to death. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Night.


	2. Chapter 2

Entry two

Eurg! Gah!

Boys. Enough said. This is why I'm a totally girl kinda…girl… (wow check out my intelligence). My imbecilic brother Jackson is being a hypocrite _again_; it really pisses me off how he does that. I mean, sometimes I listen to music on the speakers, he appears and starts sprouting a series of sarcastic impressions before stating how 'crap' it sounds. I know it's only going to be a few months later and he will be listening to that same music and bragging about how 'epic' and 'awesome' it is to all his friends, while I silently smash my head against a wall in frustration. Boys: who needs them?

Anyway back to what I started last night (can you tell I was depressed? Still am so I should be able to get this out in one piece).

Annnnyway…yeah, when I was younger life sucked. Then secondary school came along and I was still pretty much a hundred miles behind the average teenager - but catching up. I moved schools in my first year from Tennessee to Malibu. It was a huge change of scenery and lifestyle, but then I guess I needed it. Sometimes I just feel like something has to change, it weird because I'd say I'm almost terrified of change. Meh…I guess I get bored easily. But yeah, Malibu, it's pretty cool, I met my first group of real friends; Beth, Sarah, Rosy, Lilly and Kris. Sure, that's just five kids but for me they were the most recognisable boost to my life: I love those guys! And the beach definitely kicks ass, especially with all the girls – can I just say: JAW DROP! But that's only a recent development of course.

When I first moved to Malibu I was still a naive little creature; quite friendly, but remaining oblivious to my true _happy_ nature. When I wasn't with friends at school I was at home watching TV or occasionally hanging out on the beach, I do that more regularly now seeing as we've moved to a house closer to the beach.

Reader, I am now mentally sighing because I've just noticed I've been blabbering again – I must find the point sometime soon!

Ok here's the point: Lilly, could there really be any other point? In the beginning we were barely even friends, we used to piss the hell out of each other sometimes, with her being so hot headed and me just feeling the uncertain need to defend myself - she could just be SO unreasonable sometimes. ..

{I'm mentally sighing again. Reader.}

I guess we always were passionate, we **so** didn't see love coming our way, but it did come and we were surrounded by it. Lilly was my all, Lilly was my saviour, she was my beacon of truth – you could almost say she was my Liberty. That beautiful blonde girl: so sexy, so sweet. I loved her so much, so deeply, I couldn't stop thanking fate for brining her to me, for her shared devotion, I'd never felt cared for until I found love in her. But that's skipping ahead a bit isn't it.

At first we just used to fight, both physically and verbally (I usually concluded most of my arguments with fists; they just worked so much faster than my brain). I don't mean to say I would truly hurt her, she was still a friend and I'd never hurt anyone too much, it was more a display of strength, we enjoyed fighting each other I know, maybe even when we were pissed off at each other we secretly enjoyed it. I don't know, it's hard to remember. Either way I guess I can see that our fierce displays of play-violence could be seen as the start of it. The start of the touching and curiosity -I don't intend that in a perverted manner.

In class we would share a desk, and for no particular reason I could understand in year 10 (once we had grown closer) I began to have an odd obsession with having her arm being placed below my own on the table. If she tried to move it I would complain and put it back again, until she got annoyed or thought too many people were staring. Sure a lot of my friends and shitty classmates asked me why I had to keep moving her arm, but honestly I didn't know why I had to have her soft skin laying on mine. Then I realised. Looking back I don't remember when it dawned on me I liked this girl, I mean I'd always thought she was beautiful, even my dad Robby Ray had said she was 'pretty' a few times, but I still hadn't realised she was the one for me.

Somehow or another our regular visits to each others house ended up consisting of confused conversations and fearful discussions, I hinted to her how I was feeling about her, without directly voicing it, it still scared and shocked me myself: the implications huge for the both of us. Many depressing thoughts later I decided to ask her to not be my friend anymore, I didn't want to be without her, I couldn't stand it but _I knew _she wouldn't be with me. She was hurt but refused my request, demanding I tell her outright why I would ask such a thing, she forced the words out of me when I suddenly became scared to admit again to her face that I 'liked' her.

After a long period of confusing dark months she ended up doing the most amazing and surprising thing anyone has ever done.

When I lay knelt on my bed almost over her she opened her mouth and let me share my tongue with her own. Talk about wOw. I mean for a first kiss it was very clumsy and wet with a lot of tongue in the wrong place, but man, the implications were the best thing I'd encountered. That afternoon at mine was the best, and remains the best, memory I hold. That beautiful goddess shared a kiss with me, shared spit with me, shared teeth clashing with me (hey I said we weren't perfect, I was just me trying to hide my nervousness –that first kiss - it was a big step!). God, I was in heaven: where the grey days of the past were plastered over and soaked with the pure raw joy of being in love. We held each other and shared a series of shaking moments and sweet loving words before she reluctantly had to go. I watched her leave from my window, as her blonde mother stole her away from me and back to their own home. 'Until tomorrow' I had thought smiling.

From then on she became my main reason for my existence.


	3. Chapter 3

Entry three 

Oliver (Sir Jelly-Jam Doughnut of Doughnut land) came over this morning (yep I just made that name up – pretty good eh?); he dragged me away from the murky pits of my depression bubble for a bite to eat at Rico's. The infuriating little squirt was ever desperately trying to annoy the hell out of us – my solution – push him off the worktop. I'd say it worked quite well: he didn't try to annoy us again and Oliver couldn't stop snorting soda out his nose.

That break at the beach really helped lift me up for a moment, so I guess either my world of painful memories will either have to rush back down on me or I'll have to search them out on my own. I guess it's going to be method number two. Here goes.

Lilly, as I said, my world: she had the most perfect blue eyes and uniquely feather-soft hair, I really did love her. I mean if someone could find interest in me: a loner cowgirl hick from hick-land then I'm sure they could be promoted to saint for their godly works. But yeah, those days with her seemed almost perfect, we'd just spend endless amounts of time conversing in person and over the net, proclaiming our love for each other (enough to make you sick isn't it, I find love does that – a bit like a **super** rich chocolate in Life's big ol' box of chocs).

Of course the downside to having this bodacious babe (as Oliver would have said) as a girlfriend was that our relationship was between her, and me. If you (imaginary reader) can sense how strongly we felt for each other then I'm sure you too can feel the weight of that love strapped to our bare backs.

We could manage it but it was tough, we were so afraid someone would find out; Secret became our middle name. It's not like it would be easy taking a verbal beating from our families, my dad sure wouldn't appreciate it – he'd say something like - 'oh just another thing to go wrong then since your mothers death'- yep he's sarcastic like me, brilliant really.

To say we understood the reality of the risk we were taking is an understatement. We survived the pressures by occasionally taking it out on each other (yes she was still my perfectly feather-haired hot-head) and then rushing to make up with sorrowful exclamations and tender kisses (oh yeah, we got a lot better at that too although I wouldn't say we were quite pro standard).

School suddenly seemed a much more enticing place, as those the dark shadows had been blown away replaced by a warm tickling light that followed me around, do I need to ever mention Lilly was in almost every class I had? No, I didn't think so. Although I have to say, I was gob smacked at how fast rumours could spread around a small school – you wouldn't believe what some people could come up with! We denied every accusation of course but continued to slip away into the bathrooms when no one was watching (hello pretty lips).

I remember one time at the beach: the sun was setting and most people had gone home. Me and Lilly were sitting in the sand, resting our backs on a wooden fence shrouded by tall grasses (nope this wasn't our usual well-kept spot but hell we didn't need people watching us). I had looked at her out of the corner of my eye, up and down her body, I was allowed, she was mine and she trusted me with her life (we had tested that theory with my knife being crazy teenagers and all – have no fear just a little test of faith). Her delicious bikini top tormented me; it looked good enough to eat…well what was under it anyway {cough}. I turned over bravely placing my hand on her moist stomach causing her to flinch suddenly, I laughed at catching her off guard. My girl's intellectual reply consisted of two squinting eyes and a cheeky tongue being poking out, yep she was a keeper! I held her eyes in mine as I slowly moved my hand up over her gorgeously soft-smooth skin, almost under the side of her bikini top. She had raised her eyebrows at me giving me her all-powerful smirk as if to say 'oh it's like that is it'. Instantly my plan was foiled and colour had risen to my cheeks - I almost retracted my whole hand. She had chuckled and pulled me close into a blissful hug before gently kissing my red cheek and cool neck. I had to retort, so, I paused a moment before using a teeth-lip combination to nibble the bottom of her lip and nuzzle my nose against hers (see soppy as soaked washing). Those were innocent early days, each new sensation becoming more and more addictive, almost like oxygen.

Ah dang, Jackson just hollered lunch was ready, I'll stop for now. Hope you still have a pulse my imaginary friend (?) See ya!


End file.
